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Daily Update
Sep. 11th, 2024 07:32 amPain level - Moderate
My upstairs neighbours were fighting very loudly last night. I couldn't hear everything, but I heard enough to make me incredibly tense and it took me ages to fall asleep because of it, after they'd stopped.
Some years back, when I lived in another apartment, there was a man upstairs who was being very mistreated by his girlfriend. I don't think she hit him or anything, but she'd verbally abuse him and was once heard throwing things. And he cried. A lot. Heart-wrenching sobs that echoed through both apartments, and I wanted to do something to help, but all I could ever do was listen to yelling and crying and pay attention for any cues that meant I'd need to call someone and report the situation.
So I became very attuned to the sound of fighting in other apartments. To the point where it really affected me mentally. Now when I hear fighting or shouting from other apartments, my reaction is to freeze, my heart pounding and my stomach turning sour, while I try to listen while also wishing I didn't feel like I had to listen.
Just in case. You never know when a "just in case" will turn into a "call the police now or else someone will get hurt."
The man from the previous apartment finally broke up with his abusive girlfriend and found someone who seemed to make him a lot happier. I'm glad of that, though I'm not glad he endured months of hell while his ex was living there. I'm not glad I endured it too, in a second-hand way, that left me with emotional trauma I can't entirely work through because I will probably always live in an apartment, will always have neighbours who might shout and scream and thump on doors. That jolt of needing to be on edge isn't likely to fade unless I win the lottery and can buy a house that's far enough away from other people that I won't be able to hear them.
At which point I'll probably have to deal with feeling guilty about "abandoning a post" that was never really mine to guard in the first place. But I think I can deal with that guilt more easily than dealing with adrenaline and sour stomachs and the alertness that cuts right through the haze of the medicines that are supposed to be helping me with sleep and pain. After all, in a purely logical way, I can't be responsible for everybody. I can't spend my days and nights patrolling the streets all around the city in case I happen to hear an argument that needs intervention. I just can't. And I'm already used to working on putting aside the weight of not being able to do things, thanks to disability.
I just hope there are no more arguments tonight, at least.
My upstairs neighbours were fighting very loudly last night. I couldn't hear everything, but I heard enough to make me incredibly tense and it took me ages to fall asleep because of it, after they'd stopped.
Some years back, when I lived in another apartment, there was a man upstairs who was being very mistreated by his girlfriend. I don't think she hit him or anything, but she'd verbally abuse him and was once heard throwing things. And he cried. A lot. Heart-wrenching sobs that echoed through both apartments, and I wanted to do something to help, but all I could ever do was listen to yelling and crying and pay attention for any cues that meant I'd need to call someone and report the situation.
So I became very attuned to the sound of fighting in other apartments. To the point where it really affected me mentally. Now when I hear fighting or shouting from other apartments, my reaction is to freeze, my heart pounding and my stomach turning sour, while I try to listen while also wishing I didn't feel like I had to listen.
Just in case. You never know when a "just in case" will turn into a "call the police now or else someone will get hurt."
The man from the previous apartment finally broke up with his abusive girlfriend and found someone who seemed to make him a lot happier. I'm glad of that, though I'm not glad he endured months of hell while his ex was living there. I'm not glad I endured it too, in a second-hand way, that left me with emotional trauma I can't entirely work through because I will probably always live in an apartment, will always have neighbours who might shout and scream and thump on doors. That jolt of needing to be on edge isn't likely to fade unless I win the lottery and can buy a house that's far enough away from other people that I won't be able to hear them.
At which point I'll probably have to deal with feeling guilty about "abandoning a post" that was never really mine to guard in the first place. But I think I can deal with that guilt more easily than dealing with adrenaline and sour stomachs and the alertness that cuts right through the haze of the medicines that are supposed to be helping me with sleep and pain. After all, in a purely logical way, I can't be responsible for everybody. I can't spend my days and nights patrolling the streets all around the city in case I happen to hear an argument that needs intervention. I just can't. And I'm already used to working on putting aside the weight of not being able to do things, thanks to disability.
I just hope there are no more arguments tonight, at least.
