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Daily Update
Sep. 16th, 2024 02:23 pmPain level - Very high
Lots of pain, lots of weakness in my legs. I can take a few steps, maybe a dozen, before they start feeling very wobbly and I have to hold onto something and shuffle back to a place I can sit down. Or else sit on the floor and then hope I can stand back up again. My feet keep swelling easily today too. If my feet are down for 5-10 minutes, I can feel them swelling and getting uncomfortable.
Struggled through my chores. Last chore is to feed the cats their evening meal, and other than that, I'm going to be lying down until this monstrous pain flare fucks right off.
Hope I'll feel better tomorrow.
Lots of pain, lots of weakness in my legs. I can take a few steps, maybe a dozen, before they start feeling very wobbly and I have to hold onto something and shuffle back to a place I can sit down. Or else sit on the floor and then hope I can stand back up again. My feet keep swelling easily today too. If my feet are down for 5-10 minutes, I can feel them swelling and getting uncomfortable.
Struggled through my chores. Last chore is to feed the cats their evening meal, and other than that, I'm going to be lying down until this monstrous pain flare fucks right off.
Hope I'll feel better tomorrow.
Daily Update
Sep. 15th, 2024 08:26 amPain level - High
'Twas a day of out-of-the-apartment chores, so of course I hurt more now than I might have if I'd just stayed home, but some things I can't do from home.
Okay, I suppose technically I could have bought things from Amazon and had them shipped to me, but then I'd still be waiting for everything to arrive instead of having it already here, and that might make the difference between overcoming executive function and not.
Mostly it was just a lot of little errands. Returning a couple of library books, picking up milk and eggs and spray foam insulation, the usual things people tend to leave home for. Nothing special.
But I'm glad to be back, and I'm glad to know that a supper of sausages and mashed potatoes will be easy to manage, and I'm glad that I have no plans to do anything tomorrow, because I really won't want to.
'Twas a day of out-of-the-apartment chores, so of course I hurt more now than I might have if I'd just stayed home, but some things I can't do from home.
Okay, I suppose technically I could have bought things from Amazon and had them shipped to me, but then I'd still be waiting for everything to arrive instead of having it already here, and that might make the difference between overcoming executive function and not.
Mostly it was just a lot of little errands. Returning a couple of library books, picking up milk and eggs and spray foam insulation, the usual things people tend to leave home for. Nothing special.
But I'm glad to be back, and I'm glad to know that a supper of sausages and mashed potatoes will be easy to manage, and I'm glad that I have no plans to do anything tomorrow, because I really won't want to.
Daily Update
Sep. 14th, 2024 07:54 amPain level - Moderate
It was a lovely day today, warm but with enough of a breeze to make it very comfortable. And the breeze rustled gently through the dry leaves, which haven't done more than begin to turn their autumn colours, and I love that sound. So autumnal.
Makes me want a pumpkin spice chai!
But I didn't do much today. Mostly I played more Final Fantasy X. Out of Guadosalam, across the Thunder Plains (much to Rikku's dismay), and nearly all the way to Macalania Temple. I stopped to do some level-grinding, though, since I was getting increasingly annoyed by the way attacks weren't 1-shot kills on most enemies. This is rarely a problem for me after I hit the Calm Lands, though, since I can get the set of weapons to capture enemies, which gives me ample reason to take my time and grind my way through more sphere grid levels. I could back-track through most of the world map, if I wanted! Though I often leave that for when I get the airship, since flying between points is much quicker than walking, especially when I've already captured everything in a given area.
But that's a task for another time. Today was just some chill gaming on a lovely autumn day, and that's just good for the soul.
It was a lovely day today, warm but with enough of a breeze to make it very comfortable. And the breeze rustled gently through the dry leaves, which haven't done more than begin to turn their autumn colours, and I love that sound. So autumnal.
Makes me want a pumpkin spice chai!
But I didn't do much today. Mostly I played more Final Fantasy X. Out of Guadosalam, across the Thunder Plains (much to Rikku's dismay), and nearly all the way to Macalania Temple. I stopped to do some level-grinding, though, since I was getting increasingly annoyed by the way attacks weren't 1-shot kills on most enemies. This is rarely a problem for me after I hit the Calm Lands, though, since I can get the set of weapons to capture enemies, which gives me ample reason to take my time and grind my way through more sphere grid levels. I could back-track through most of the world map, if I wanted! Though I often leave that for when I get the airship, since flying between points is much quicker than walking, especially when I've already captured everything in a given area.
But that's a task for another time. Today was just some chill gaming on a lovely autumn day, and that's just good for the soul.
Daily Update
Sep. 13th, 2024 08:03 amPain level - Moderate
A bright spot today! I received a power-saving package from the local power company, designed to help lower electricity costs specifically in rented homes. Most programs for power-saving implementations aren't specifically intended for those who own a home but are impossible for people who rent, like changing the types of windows that are installed or replacing the hot water tank. Renters can't do those things typically, and there's no incentive for landlords to do that sort of thing to help their tenants if those tenants are also paying for power out of their own pockets. So it's nice to see a consideration for those who rent.
The best parts of the package were the LED light bulbs, which I like a lot, and even if they don't save me much money on my power bill they'll save me money by making it so that I don't need to buy new light bulbs for a while. And there was also a smart power bar surge protector, which has different plugs for things you might need power going to all the time, like an alarm clock, versus things you really only want electricity going to when you're using it, like a TV. Very handy to prevent phantom power drain, and probably also would even further lower the risk of surges wrecking my computer when there's a thunderstorm. Even if my computer is turned off, there's the chance a surge could fry it if I'm unlucky. Unless it's unplugged entirely, or hopefully if I use it with this power bar.
It might seem counter-intuitive for a power company to give things for free to people who will use those things to pay the power company less money, but it is good PR for them, making it look like they care more about peoples' wellbeing than their own profits. Which won't really matter much to customers, because it's not like there are other options for power companies at the moment, but it might make the difference for investors who also want some good PR, which will bring more money to the power company overall.
I also wonder if it's a knock-on effect of the drastic increase in costs we've seen over the last few years. Rents have been driven brutally high by greedy landlords and out-of-province investors who bought cheap houses only to try selling them again when house prices rose further, or to rent them out at prices that just increased the price of rent all over. There are a lot of unhoused people just in this one city, many of whom were driven from their homes not through stereotypes like drugs and alcohol but by not being able to afford to pay rent on stagnating wages and rising inflation. Food prices have risen to the point where more and more people have to rely on food banks, which can't keep up with demand. More people juggle their bills, because they don't have a choice. So perhaps the power company is tired of people in lousy situations not being able to pay their power bills, having to pay more workers to process collections and all the associated paperwork (virtual paperwork, but even so), and they can't do anything to lower rent and grocery bills for people, but they can help lower power bills. Maybe even $5 saved each month thanks to the items in the power-saving kit will mean more people paying their power bill on time, and regularly, so they'll profit in the long run.
Companies rarely do anything altruistic, but in this case, I have no problem making use of their offer. It will help me, when my cost of living is higher than average due to chronic illness and disability, and where my income is extremely limited because I can't work.
A bright spot today! I received a power-saving package from the local power company, designed to help lower electricity costs specifically in rented homes. Most programs for power-saving implementations aren't specifically intended for those who own a home but are impossible for people who rent, like changing the types of windows that are installed or replacing the hot water tank. Renters can't do those things typically, and there's no incentive for landlords to do that sort of thing to help their tenants if those tenants are also paying for power out of their own pockets. So it's nice to see a consideration for those who rent.
The best parts of the package were the LED light bulbs, which I like a lot, and even if they don't save me much money on my power bill they'll save me money by making it so that I don't need to buy new light bulbs for a while. And there was also a smart power bar surge protector, which has different plugs for things you might need power going to all the time, like an alarm clock, versus things you really only want electricity going to when you're using it, like a TV. Very handy to prevent phantom power drain, and probably also would even further lower the risk of surges wrecking my computer when there's a thunderstorm. Even if my computer is turned off, there's the chance a surge could fry it if I'm unlucky. Unless it's unplugged entirely, or hopefully if I use it with this power bar.
It might seem counter-intuitive for a power company to give things for free to people who will use those things to pay the power company less money, but it is good PR for them, making it look like they care more about peoples' wellbeing than their own profits. Which won't really matter much to customers, because it's not like there are other options for power companies at the moment, but it might make the difference for investors who also want some good PR, which will bring more money to the power company overall.
I also wonder if it's a knock-on effect of the drastic increase in costs we've seen over the last few years. Rents have been driven brutally high by greedy landlords and out-of-province investors who bought cheap houses only to try selling them again when house prices rose further, or to rent them out at prices that just increased the price of rent all over. There are a lot of unhoused people just in this one city, many of whom were driven from their homes not through stereotypes like drugs and alcohol but by not being able to afford to pay rent on stagnating wages and rising inflation. Food prices have risen to the point where more and more people have to rely on food banks, which can't keep up with demand. More people juggle their bills, because they don't have a choice. So perhaps the power company is tired of people in lousy situations not being able to pay their power bills, having to pay more workers to process collections and all the associated paperwork (virtual paperwork, but even so), and they can't do anything to lower rent and grocery bills for people, but they can help lower power bills. Maybe even $5 saved each month thanks to the items in the power-saving kit will mean more people paying their power bill on time, and regularly, so they'll profit in the long run.
Companies rarely do anything altruistic, but in this case, I have no problem making use of their offer. It will help me, when my cost of living is higher than average due to chronic illness and disability, and where my income is extremely limited because I can't work.
Daily Update
Sep. 12th, 2024 07:57 amPain level - Moderate
A delightful and yet frustrating day of embroidery. Delightful because I love doing it, but frustrating because I determined that using 2 threads instead of 1 looks so much better for what I'm doing, but that means going over a not-insignificant amount of stitching that I did yesterday.
An easy fix, just a tedious one that I wish I'd come to earlier so that nothing needed to be fixed at all.
A delightful and yet frustrating day of embroidery. Delightful because I love doing it, but frustrating because I determined that using 2 threads instead of 1 looks so much better for what I'm doing, but that means going over a not-insignificant amount of stitching that I did yesterday.
An easy fix, just a tedious one that I wish I'd come to earlier so that nothing needed to be fixed at all.
Daily Update
Sep. 11th, 2024 07:32 amPain level - Moderate
My upstairs neighbours were fighting very loudly last night. I couldn't hear everything, but I heard enough to make me incredibly tense and it took me ages to fall asleep because of it, after they'd stopped.
Some years back, when I lived in another apartment, there was a man upstairs who was being very mistreated by his girlfriend. I don't think she hit him or anything, but she'd verbally abuse him and was once heard throwing things. And he cried. A lot. Heart-wrenching sobs that echoed through both apartments, and I wanted to do something to help, but all I could ever do was listen to yelling and crying and pay attention for any cues that meant I'd need to call someone and report the situation.
So I became very attuned to the sound of fighting in other apartments. To the point where it really affected me mentally. Now when I hear fighting or shouting from other apartments, my reaction is to freeze, my heart pounding and my stomach turning sour, while I try to listen while also wishing I didn't feel like I had to listen.
Just in case. You never know when a "just in case" will turn into a "call the police now or else someone will get hurt."
The man from the previous apartment finally broke up with his abusive girlfriend and found someone who seemed to make him a lot happier. I'm glad of that, though I'm not glad he endured months of hell while his ex was living there. I'm not glad I endured it too, in a second-hand way, that left me with emotional trauma I can't entirely work through because I will probably always live in an apartment, will always have neighbours who might shout and scream and thump on doors. That jolt of needing to be on edge isn't likely to fade unless I win the lottery and can buy a house that's far enough away from other people that I won't be able to hear them.
At which point I'll probably have to deal with feeling guilty about "abandoning a post" that was never really mine to guard in the first place. But I think I can deal with that guilt more easily than dealing with adrenaline and sour stomachs and the alertness that cuts right through the haze of the medicines that are supposed to be helping me with sleep and pain. After all, in a purely logical way, I can't be responsible for everybody. I can't spend my days and nights patrolling the streets all around the city in case I happen to hear an argument that needs intervention. I just can't. And I'm already used to working on putting aside the weight of not being able to do things, thanks to disability.
I just hope there are no more arguments tonight, at least.
My upstairs neighbours were fighting very loudly last night. I couldn't hear everything, but I heard enough to make me incredibly tense and it took me ages to fall asleep because of it, after they'd stopped.
Some years back, when I lived in another apartment, there was a man upstairs who was being very mistreated by his girlfriend. I don't think she hit him or anything, but she'd verbally abuse him and was once heard throwing things. And he cried. A lot. Heart-wrenching sobs that echoed through both apartments, and I wanted to do something to help, but all I could ever do was listen to yelling and crying and pay attention for any cues that meant I'd need to call someone and report the situation.
So I became very attuned to the sound of fighting in other apartments. To the point where it really affected me mentally. Now when I hear fighting or shouting from other apartments, my reaction is to freeze, my heart pounding and my stomach turning sour, while I try to listen while also wishing I didn't feel like I had to listen.
Just in case. You never know when a "just in case" will turn into a "call the police now or else someone will get hurt."
The man from the previous apartment finally broke up with his abusive girlfriend and found someone who seemed to make him a lot happier. I'm glad of that, though I'm not glad he endured months of hell while his ex was living there. I'm not glad I endured it too, in a second-hand way, that left me with emotional trauma I can't entirely work through because I will probably always live in an apartment, will always have neighbours who might shout and scream and thump on doors. That jolt of needing to be on edge isn't likely to fade unless I win the lottery and can buy a house that's far enough away from other people that I won't be able to hear them.
At which point I'll probably have to deal with feeling guilty about "abandoning a post" that was never really mine to guard in the first place. But I think I can deal with that guilt more easily than dealing with adrenaline and sour stomachs and the alertness that cuts right through the haze of the medicines that are supposed to be helping me with sleep and pain. After all, in a purely logical way, I can't be responsible for everybody. I can't spend my days and nights patrolling the streets all around the city in case I happen to hear an argument that needs intervention. I just can't. And I'm already used to working on putting aside the weight of not being able to do things, thanks to disability.
I just hope there are no more arguments tonight, at least.
Weekend Horror Movie Review #13
Sep. 10th, 2024 07:42 amI forgot to write these up yesterday, so you're getting a slightly late set of horror movie reviews this time. At least I watched enough to make it worth a review post. So I'll sit here and listen to gentle ambient music while I write about the horror-filled weekend I just had!
The Black Phone (2021) - In 1978, a mysterious child abductor known as the Grabber roams the streets of Denver. The kidnapped children are never found. And it looks like the same fate may befall young Finney, who is snatched and thrown in a basement. But there's hope to be found in both Finney's sister, who has psychic dreams that may help the police find her brother, and a strange black phone in the Grabber's basement. A phone that doesn't work, except for when the ghosts of the Grabber's past victims show up to help Finney escape. This movie is so good! It's an escape room movie done right, done so phenomenally well that you might not think it's an escape room movie until you've already gotten invested in the story. Honestly one of the best horror movies I've seen in a long time, and that says something! (Trigger warning: domestic abuse, hurting children) (Youtube: trailer)
Cold Moon (2016) - A teenager is killed by a masked man and her body thrown in the river. After a while, the rest of her family is disposed of in a similar manner. The identity of the killer doesn't stay a mystery for long, at least not to the viewer, but the killer's life gets incredibly complicated when he starts to be haunted by the twisted ghosts of his victims. There's some horrifying grotesquerie in this one, which looks cartoonish at first blush but the incongruence makes it all the scarier. I expected this one to be okay, but I didn't expect it to be quite so good. It borders on Southern Gothic, great acting, and a very good supernatural revenge story. Not to the degree that The Black Phone managed, mind you, but still very worth watching. (Youtube: trailer)
Abigail (2024) - A team of criminals are hired to kidnap a rich young girl and hold her hostage for 24 hours, while the mastermind behind the operation extorts her father for millions of dollars. The plan goes awry when it's revealed that the titular Abigail is, in fact, a child-sized bloodthirsty vampire, who is not the least bit intimidated by her situation and happily goes about killing her kidnappers and making them pay for their actions. This was a weekend for supernatural revenge movies, it seems, and I do love a good vampire movie, so Abigail combined two of my interests into one blood-filled story that really hooked me, with some twists that I really enjoyed seeing. My only complaint is that I feel like the person who escaped in the end deserved more than just to escape with her life. Maybe some of the money she was counting on to start rebuilding her life? My head-canon is that Abigail transferred a million dollars into her bank account after all was said and done. (Youtube: trailer)
The Unfamiliar (2020) - A British army doctor returns home after her tour, only to deal with not only the expected and understandable PTSD, but also the growing fear that something supernatural is happening to her family. Her son seems to be leaving hints about what might be going on, but are those events real, or a hallucination, or something more malevolent. This movie was okay. It wasn't bad or anything, but it got a bit cheesy toward the end, after the family takes a trip to Hawaii to get away from all the problems at home. But it wasn't that great either. The acting was fine, the visuals pretty damn good, but characters made some really questionable decisions that can't entirely be explained away with a claim to the supernatural. I'm also not familiar enough with Hawaiian culture or mythology to know whether there were culturally problematic elements here, so if anyone is more knowledgeable in that field, I'd love to know your opinions on this movie. (Youtube: trailer)
Wish Upon (2017) - Clare is gifted a strange Chinese music box that her father found while dumpster-diving, and she learns that it's a magical thing that grants the user 7 wishes. But each wish has a blood price attached to it, so every time Clare makes a wish for an aspect of her life to improve, there's backlash that those around her must endure. Also when she makes her 7th wish, the spirit within the box will claim her soul. Wish Upon was a pretty decent teen horror movie, but nearly everything that happens comes about because apparently, Clare hasn't heard a single "be careful what you wish for" story in her life. Wishing for someone to fall madly in love with you? Wishing for the heights of popularity? Come on, Clare, haven't you heard a single scary story ever? The thing that gets me is that the wish box came with a built-in "wish reversal" aspect that Claire knew almost from the moment she knew she could make wishes on it. Get rid of the box, the wishes reverse. Considering her final wish was essentially to ensure she never encountered the box, only to die quickly because the box took her soul, she could literally have thrown the thing into the river and accomplished the same thing, only she'd have lived. That being said, the acting was good, some of the dialogue was delightfully devious, and I've definitely seen worse teen horror movies. (Trigger warning: suicide) (Youtube: trailer)
DreadOut (2019) - Taking many elements from the DreadOut video game and remixing them, the movie revolves around Linda and a group of friends sneaking into a supposedly haunted abandoned apartment building, only to find the remnants of a cursed ritual, a portal to another realm, and multiple demons and spirits that would like to harm them all. It was pretty far from any sort of faithful adaptation, but the remixed elements worked well for the setting, and it was an interesting take on the story. I have to admit, though, that if I didn't know about the video game already, and that one of the main features involves being able to hurt ghosts with a camera ala Fatal Frame, I'd probably have thought using a cell phone's camera flash to repel ghosts was cheesy as all hell. Some of the plot twists I saw coming, some mythological elements were lost on me (though I'm getting more familiar with Indonesian horror movies so maybe some day I won't need to say that), but overall, a decent movie. (Indonesian, subtitled) (Youtube: trailer)
The Black Phone (2021) - In 1978, a mysterious child abductor known as the Grabber roams the streets of Denver. The kidnapped children are never found. And it looks like the same fate may befall young Finney, who is snatched and thrown in a basement. But there's hope to be found in both Finney's sister, who has psychic dreams that may help the police find her brother, and a strange black phone in the Grabber's basement. A phone that doesn't work, except for when the ghosts of the Grabber's past victims show up to help Finney escape. This movie is so good! It's an escape room movie done right, done so phenomenally well that you might not think it's an escape room movie until you've already gotten invested in the story. Honestly one of the best horror movies I've seen in a long time, and that says something! (Trigger warning: domestic abuse, hurting children) (Youtube: trailer)
Cold Moon (2016) - A teenager is killed by a masked man and her body thrown in the river. After a while, the rest of her family is disposed of in a similar manner. The identity of the killer doesn't stay a mystery for long, at least not to the viewer, but the killer's life gets incredibly complicated when he starts to be haunted by the twisted ghosts of his victims. There's some horrifying grotesquerie in this one, which looks cartoonish at first blush but the incongruence makes it all the scarier. I expected this one to be okay, but I didn't expect it to be quite so good. It borders on Southern Gothic, great acting, and a very good supernatural revenge story. Not to the degree that The Black Phone managed, mind you, but still very worth watching. (Youtube: trailer)
Abigail (2024) - A team of criminals are hired to kidnap a rich young girl and hold her hostage for 24 hours, while the mastermind behind the operation extorts her father for millions of dollars. The plan goes awry when it's revealed that the titular Abigail is, in fact, a child-sized bloodthirsty vampire, who is not the least bit intimidated by her situation and happily goes about killing her kidnappers and making them pay for their actions. This was a weekend for supernatural revenge movies, it seems, and I do love a good vampire movie, so Abigail combined two of my interests into one blood-filled story that really hooked me, with some twists that I really enjoyed seeing. My only complaint is that I feel like the person who escaped in the end deserved more than just to escape with her life. Maybe some of the money she was counting on to start rebuilding her life? My head-canon is that Abigail transferred a million dollars into her bank account after all was said and done. (Youtube: trailer)
The Unfamiliar (2020) - A British army doctor returns home after her tour, only to deal with not only the expected and understandable PTSD, but also the growing fear that something supernatural is happening to her family. Her son seems to be leaving hints about what might be going on, but are those events real, or a hallucination, or something more malevolent. This movie was okay. It wasn't bad or anything, but it got a bit cheesy toward the end, after the family takes a trip to Hawaii to get away from all the problems at home. But it wasn't that great either. The acting was fine, the visuals pretty damn good, but characters made some really questionable decisions that can't entirely be explained away with a claim to the supernatural. I'm also not familiar enough with Hawaiian culture or mythology to know whether there were culturally problematic elements here, so if anyone is more knowledgeable in that field, I'd love to know your opinions on this movie. (Youtube: trailer)
Wish Upon (2017) - Clare is gifted a strange Chinese music box that her father found while dumpster-diving, and she learns that it's a magical thing that grants the user 7 wishes. But each wish has a blood price attached to it, so every time Clare makes a wish for an aspect of her life to improve, there's backlash that those around her must endure. Also when she makes her 7th wish, the spirit within the box will claim her soul. Wish Upon was a pretty decent teen horror movie, but nearly everything that happens comes about because apparently, Clare hasn't heard a single "be careful what you wish for" story in her life. Wishing for someone to fall madly in love with you? Wishing for the heights of popularity? Come on, Clare, haven't you heard a single scary story ever? The thing that gets me is that the wish box came with a built-in "wish reversal" aspect that Claire knew almost from the moment she knew she could make wishes on it. Get rid of the box, the wishes reverse. Considering her final wish was essentially to ensure she never encountered the box, only to die quickly because the box took her soul, she could literally have thrown the thing into the river and accomplished the same thing, only she'd have lived. That being said, the acting was good, some of the dialogue was delightfully devious, and I've definitely seen worse teen horror movies. (Trigger warning: suicide) (Youtube: trailer)
DreadOut (2019) - Taking many elements from the DreadOut video game and remixing them, the movie revolves around Linda and a group of friends sneaking into a supposedly haunted abandoned apartment building, only to find the remnants of a cursed ritual, a portal to another realm, and multiple demons and spirits that would like to harm them all. It was pretty far from any sort of faithful adaptation, but the remixed elements worked well for the setting, and it was an interesting take on the story. I have to admit, though, that if I didn't know about the video game already, and that one of the main features involves being able to hurt ghosts with a camera ala Fatal Frame, I'd probably have thought using a cell phone's camera flash to repel ghosts was cheesy as all hell. Some of the plot twists I saw coming, some mythological elements were lost on me (though I'm getting more familiar with Indonesian horror movies so maybe some day I won't need to say that), but overall, a decent movie. (Indonesian, subtitled) (Youtube: trailer)
Daily Update
Sep. 9th, 2024 07:32 amPain level - Moderate
I initially was going to say that I did absolutely nothing all day except work on my current embroidery piece, but actually no. I did 2 loads of laundry, 1 load of dishes, and remembered to eat food, and if that still sounds like nothing, I invite you to understand that sometimes when I get deep into a project I do forget to eat or drink. It's like such mundane physical needs no longer register, like my brain is too distracted to send the right signals.
So no, I didn't "do nothing." I did things. And I think I did them pretty healthily, too. Or at least, less unhealthily than I might have. That has to count for something.
I initially was going to say that I did absolutely nothing all day except work on my current embroidery piece, but actually no. I did 2 loads of laundry, 1 load of dishes, and remembered to eat food, and if that still sounds like nothing, I invite you to understand that sometimes when I get deep into a project I do forget to eat or drink. It's like such mundane physical needs no longer register, like my brain is too distracted to send the right signals.
So no, I didn't "do nothing." I did things. And I think I did them pretty healthily, too. Or at least, less unhealthily than I might have. That has to count for something.
Daily Update
Sep. 8th, 2024 08:13 amPain level - High
Skipped yesterday's post because of the storm, and not wanting to risk the power surging and crashing my PC and wrecking my ability to use it, as I can't afford any sort of replacement if that happened. Better safe than sorry!
Anyway, I at least had the energy yesterday to make the batch of baked beans that I'd planned on. I expected about 4 meals, and technically that's how much I made, but... Rac's parents, who live in the city, dropped by to ask how I'd fared during the rainstorm, and the beans were just about done when they arrived, and it would have been weird to shoo them out the door really quickly, so they stayed for supper. 4 meals indeed, but they ate 2 of them!
I don't mind. They enjoyed the beans and sausages, and I enjoyed a little burst of company, and it's not like I don't still have some dried navy beans in the pantry. I don't have enough tomato soup or barbeque sauce right now to make another batch, but I should be able to get them again relatively quickly. Then I can make all the beans, all for me!
Today, I spent much of my time in bed, playing Final Fantasy X. I made it past the heart-rending scene at the end of Operation Mi'ihen, got Ixion from the Djose temple, and crossed the Moonflow (which, despite what it might sound like, isn't a euphemism for reaching the end of one's menstrual cycle, and stopped in Guadosalam. I'm not as strong as I often am at this point in the game, as I haven't been giving much time to level-grinding (sphere-grinding?), but that can easily be rectified. I'm strong enough to keep playing without difficulty, which is the main thing.
Skipped yesterday's post because of the storm, and not wanting to risk the power surging and crashing my PC and wrecking my ability to use it, as I can't afford any sort of replacement if that happened. Better safe than sorry!
Anyway, I at least had the energy yesterday to make the batch of baked beans that I'd planned on. I expected about 4 meals, and technically that's how much I made, but... Rac's parents, who live in the city, dropped by to ask how I'd fared during the rainstorm, and the beans were just about done when they arrived, and it would have been weird to shoo them out the door really quickly, so they stayed for supper. 4 meals indeed, but they ate 2 of them!
I don't mind. They enjoyed the beans and sausages, and I enjoyed a little burst of company, and it's not like I don't still have some dried navy beans in the pantry. I don't have enough tomato soup or barbeque sauce right now to make another batch, but I should be able to get them again relatively quickly. Then I can make all the beans, all for me!
Today, I spent much of my time in bed, playing Final Fantasy X. I made it past the heart-rending scene at the end of Operation Mi'ihen, got Ixion from the Djose temple, and crossed the Moonflow (which, despite what it might sound like, isn't a euphemism for reaching the end of one's menstrual cycle, and stopped in Guadosalam. I'm not as strong as I often am at this point in the game, as I haven't been giving much time to level-grinding (sphere-grinding?), but that can easily be rectified. I'm strong enough to keep playing without difficulty, which is the main thing.
Daily Update
Sep. 6th, 2024 07:54 amPain level - Moderate
Honestly, today was a "nothing" sort of day. Didn't do much except think and vaguely watch TV, vaguely stitch, and vaguely think that I'll enjoy tomorrow's downpour so I can have an excuse to stay in bed and read.
Not that I really need an excuse.
And not that staying in bed and reading will be all I'll do, since I'm soaking beans overnight so I can make baked beans and sausages. It'll make the apartment smell delicious, and will give me at least 4 substantial meals! (I love it when I have the energy to cook and to actually enjoy said cookery.)
Honestly, today was a "nothing" sort of day. Didn't do much except think and vaguely watch TV, vaguely stitch, and vaguely think that I'll enjoy tomorrow's downpour so I can have an excuse to stay in bed and read.
Not that I really need an excuse.
And not that staying in bed and reading will be all I'll do, since I'm soaking beans overnight so I can make baked beans and sausages. It'll make the apartment smell delicious, and will give me at least 4 substantial meals! (I love it when I have the energy to cook and to actually enjoy said cookery.)
Daily Update
Sep. 5th, 2024 07:51 amPain level - Moderate
While making chicken fingers for myself today, I accidentally left them in the oven for too long, or perhaps there's a limit on how many times tin foil can be reused, but there was a little bit of smoke. Just enough that I could barely smell it, but enough for the smoke detector to freak out.
While making chicken fingers for myself today, I accidentally left them in the oven for too long, or perhaps there's a limit on how many times tin foil can be reused, but there was a little bit of smoke. Just enough that I could barely smell it, but enough for the smoke detector to freak out.
The shock of a sudden grating beeping sound (which only lasted for 7 whole beeps) made my legs weak and shaky and struggle to support my weight for pretty much the rest of the afternoon.
I don't like loud noises. But I'm pretty sure that degree of physical reaction Just Ain't Normal.
Daily Update
Sep. 4th, 2024 07:51 amPain level - Moderate
Sometimes, in an effort to find more of a community on here, I browse random journals that list similar interests, as one does. But then I get phenomenally intimidated by the fact that a lot of them have hundreds upon hundreds of back-entries, and I'd feel weird about following them based on only a couple of recent entries; I feel like I ought to read so much more of what they talk about before I can justify adding them. But that takes a lot of time, and effort, and then I just get dispirited about it all and wonder if there's a point. Maybe I should just keep writing to myself, first and foremost.
I suppose I miss the blogging days of yore, when I used to have an easy time making friends and building a community because blogging was what we all did. No microblogging on social media, no Youtube or Tiktok or Twitch, just lots of writing and talking and commenting. Most people don't really do that anymore. I supposed it's all just the old fogeys of the Internet who keep up the practice now.
I miss the days of endless fanfic inspiration, of getting deeply into a video game or movie or book and just letting that be my life for a while. Staying up late because why shouldn't I? Being older now, and with limited time and energy reserves, I often feel like I need to budget my time wisely. If I spend time writing fanfic (writing anything, really, but I do miss being involved in fandom sometimes), then that pulls time away from reading. If I let my semi-obsessive nature out and spend 3 months deep-diving into a video game, then that's 3 months of not enjoying horror movies on the weekend, or not making progress on any art projects. Trying to prioritize the few most important things means everything else falls by the wayside.
I guess what it comes down to isn't me missing how the Internet used to be. It's missing how I used to be. When I could do all these things without a problem. If I had the mental and physical space for it, I could probably make videos for Youtube, stream games, make silly Tiktoks, binge-watch TV shows and write what-if fanfics about things that spark my interest, because I also want to do those things too. Blogging is easier, but it's not all I think I'd be capable of, if I weren't bogged down by chronic illness concerns.
Plus blogging like this, purely personal blogging where nobody's really concerned about the concept of Regular Content, means that if I get sick or tired or injured and don't do something on schedule, I don't feel like I'm letting an audience down. There's no attempted career riding on my ramblings here. I've seen people take breaks from content creation and come back to find that they practically have to build up their audience again. Not from scratch, but they didn't stay where they were before taking that break. People grew bored of the lack of content and went elsewhere, found new places to get what they were looking for. And that's fine. There's a lot out there, for lots of people. But it sucks knowing that the many things people say you can do from home, no matter what, and maybe build a career from, aren't things you can really stop doing if that career is what you're aiming for.
The Internet feels both too big and too small some days. I miss when that wasn't the case, too.
Phew, I sure am introspective this week! Maybe I need to talk a long walk and exhaust myself so that I stop being so concerned with the things I can't help.
Sometimes, in an effort to find more of a community on here, I browse random journals that list similar interests, as one does. But then I get phenomenally intimidated by the fact that a lot of them have hundreds upon hundreds of back-entries, and I'd feel weird about following them based on only a couple of recent entries; I feel like I ought to read so much more of what they talk about before I can justify adding them. But that takes a lot of time, and effort, and then I just get dispirited about it all and wonder if there's a point. Maybe I should just keep writing to myself, first and foremost.
I suppose I miss the blogging days of yore, when I used to have an easy time making friends and building a community because blogging was what we all did. No microblogging on social media, no Youtube or Tiktok or Twitch, just lots of writing and talking and commenting. Most people don't really do that anymore. I supposed it's all just the old fogeys of the Internet who keep up the practice now.
I miss the days of endless fanfic inspiration, of getting deeply into a video game or movie or book and just letting that be my life for a while. Staying up late because why shouldn't I? Being older now, and with limited time and energy reserves, I often feel like I need to budget my time wisely. If I spend time writing fanfic (writing anything, really, but I do miss being involved in fandom sometimes), then that pulls time away from reading. If I let my semi-obsessive nature out and spend 3 months deep-diving into a video game, then that's 3 months of not enjoying horror movies on the weekend, or not making progress on any art projects. Trying to prioritize the few most important things means everything else falls by the wayside.
I guess what it comes down to isn't me missing how the Internet used to be. It's missing how I used to be. When I could do all these things without a problem. If I had the mental and physical space for it, I could probably make videos for Youtube, stream games, make silly Tiktoks, binge-watch TV shows and write what-if fanfics about things that spark my interest, because I also want to do those things too. Blogging is easier, but it's not all I think I'd be capable of, if I weren't bogged down by chronic illness concerns.
Plus blogging like this, purely personal blogging where nobody's really concerned about the concept of Regular Content, means that if I get sick or tired or injured and don't do something on schedule, I don't feel like I'm letting an audience down. There's no attempted career riding on my ramblings here. I've seen people take breaks from content creation and come back to find that they practically have to build up their audience again. Not from scratch, but they didn't stay where they were before taking that break. People grew bored of the lack of content and went elsewhere, found new places to get what they were looking for. And that's fine. There's a lot out there, for lots of people. But it sucks knowing that the many things people say you can do from home, no matter what, and maybe build a career from, aren't things you can really stop doing if that career is what you're aiming for.
The Internet feels both too big and too small some days. I miss when that wasn't the case, too.
Phew, I sure am introspective this week! Maybe I need to talk a long walk and exhaust myself so that I stop being so concerned with the things I can't help.
Daily Update
Sep. 3rd, 2024 07:27 amPain level - Moderate
Very chilly when I woke up this morning. It was only 10°C, which isn't the coldest morning so far, but the wind was brisk and made everything feel colder. It definitely feels like a school day, which technically it is. Schools in this area start again today. I wish I was a student again. I really miss going to school. I was doing really well at university for a while, but then my disability became too much for me to continue, so I had to leave. I regret it all the time. I wish I could have continued with my education.
Not everyone is lucky enough to be able to get a university degree, I guess. I still learn where I can, and when I'm able to, but at this point I can't afford to even do distance learning, and until something like Universal Basic Income is implemented, and until university tuition gets substantially reduced, I just can't do it. But I'll still learn things. Nothing can stop me from learning.
Autumn always makes me feel this way. It's not a new feeling. And as much as I adore this season, it always comes with a sense of melancholy that makes it bittersweet. Where might life have gone had it not been for disability? What could I be doing right now if my body wasn't making me do very little?
I'll get by. I always do. I'll find the sweet in every bitter, even if I complain at the time. I just can't help but wonder and lament, that's all.
Very chilly when I woke up this morning. It was only 10°C, which isn't the coldest morning so far, but the wind was brisk and made everything feel colder. It definitely feels like a school day, which technically it is. Schools in this area start again today. I wish I was a student again. I really miss going to school. I was doing really well at university for a while, but then my disability became too much for me to continue, so I had to leave. I regret it all the time. I wish I could have continued with my education.
Not everyone is lucky enough to be able to get a university degree, I guess. I still learn where I can, and when I'm able to, but at this point I can't afford to even do distance learning, and until something like Universal Basic Income is implemented, and until university tuition gets substantially reduced, I just can't do it. But I'll still learn things. Nothing can stop me from learning.
Autumn always makes me feel this way. It's not a new feeling. And as much as I adore this season, it always comes with a sense of melancholy that makes it bittersweet. Where might life have gone had it not been for disability? What could I be doing right now if my body wasn't making me do very little?
I'll get by. I always do. I'll find the sweet in every bitter, even if I complain at the time. I just can't help but wonder and lament, that's all.
Daily Update
Sep. 2nd, 2024 09:01 amPain level - High
No fever today, which I'm very happy about. Still not feeling well, and I still hurt far more than baseline, so I'm going to be taking it easy for a while longer. Plenty of reading, movies, and napping seem in order for the next few days at least. I hate not being able to sit up and do any embroidery, since most of the time I feel like that's the only sort of thing I can do, but if I don't rest now, I'll be in worse shape for even longer. Sacrifices must be made!
At least I can keep a sense of humour during the bad times. That counts for something, I think.
No fever today, which I'm very happy about. Still not feeling well, and I still hurt far more than baseline, so I'm going to be taking it easy for a while longer. Plenty of reading, movies, and napping seem in order for the next few days at least. I hate not being able to sit up and do any embroidery, since most of the time I feel like that's the only sort of thing I can do, but if I don't rest now, I'll be in worse shape for even longer. Sacrifices must be made!
At least I can keep a sense of humour during the bad times. That counts for something, I think.
Weekend Horror Movie Review #12
Sep. 2nd, 2024 08:04 amThe Crucifixion (2017) - Base on a true story (and all the accuracy that statement entails), an American journalist travels to Romania to investigate whether or not a nun died from demonic possession or abuse from within the church. Not exactly an original concept. The acting was fairly wooden, a lot of the events unbelievable (what newspaper is going to cover the travel bill for one of their journalists to travel to another continent to interview people about a local crime rather than setting up phone calls or even video calls?), and frankly, the male lead came off as creepy on numerous occasions ("Hey you passed out after a single glass of wine from the bottle I opened, so I took a picture of you sleeping.") and I expected him to reveal himself to be a secret antagonist, but no. Also, I could swear that I saw conflicting dates on gravestones of important characters, and I may have been mistaken, but given the quality of the rest of this movie, I wouldn't be surprised to find out that I wasn't. It's yet another "is it mental illness or demonic possession?" stories, so if you watch it, feel free to just zone out sometimes; you won't miss anything mind-blowing. (Youtube: trailer)
Immaculate (2024) - A nun moves to a prestigious convent in Italy, where, despite being a virgin, she ends up pregnant and thus treated like she's going to be the mother of the 2nd coming of Jesus. Not everyone in the convent is happy about this, however, and strange events keep happening around this nun. Well, other than a virgin pregnancy, While the twist was a bit cheesy, I have to comment this movie on the beautiful visuals and striking religious imagery it used throughout; it was a real visual treat to watch. Frankly, I'd watch it again, for that aspect alone! (Youtube: trailer)
Sewu Dino (2023) - This movie was actually teased at the end of KKN di Desa Penari, which I reviewed last week. Based on a short story, a trio of women are hired to perform a nightly ritual on a possessed girl at the behest of her grandmother, with the intent of calming the demon possessing her until it can be banished at the end of 1000 days of possession. But the ritual keeps going wrong, and one of the women, Sri, has a strange connection to the situation and its origin that she doesn't yet understand. Really, it's not that bad a movie in general, but it really falls apart toward the end, with a dozen unanswered questions and a need to read between the lines to come up with a potential explanation for some of the unexplained events. That problem may be due to weird translation issues or perhaps cultural aspects I'm unaware of, though, so please take that commentary with a grain of salt. (Indonesian, subtitled) (Youtube: trailer)
Immaculate (2024) - A nun moves to a prestigious convent in Italy, where, despite being a virgin, she ends up pregnant and thus treated like she's going to be the mother of the 2nd coming of Jesus. Not everyone in the convent is happy about this, however, and strange events keep happening around this nun. Well, other than a virgin pregnancy, While the twist was a bit cheesy, I have to comment this movie on the beautiful visuals and striking religious imagery it used throughout; it was a real visual treat to watch. Frankly, I'd watch it again, for that aspect alone! (Youtube: trailer)
Sewu Dino (2023) - This movie was actually teased at the end of KKN di Desa Penari, which I reviewed last week. Based on a short story, a trio of women are hired to perform a nightly ritual on a possessed girl at the behest of her grandmother, with the intent of calming the demon possessing her until it can be banished at the end of 1000 days of possession. But the ritual keeps going wrong, and one of the women, Sri, has a strange connection to the situation and its origin that she doesn't yet understand. Really, it's not that bad a movie in general, but it really falls apart toward the end, with a dozen unanswered questions and a need to read between the lines to come up with a potential explanation for some of the unexplained events. That problem may be due to weird translation issues or perhaps cultural aspects I'm unaware of, though, so please take that commentary with a grain of salt. (Indonesian, subtitled) (Youtube: trailer)
Daily Update
Sep. 1st, 2024 07:51 amPain level - High
Was running a small fever today, which I seem to have napped away, but I'm going to be on guard over the next few days in case it's a sign of something worse coming. Never a fan of having a fever, and I hope it stays away. I don't want it back.
So it wasn't a very eventful day, mostly just a lot of resting and trying to not feel crappy, but at least I got a little extra sleep, so that's something.
Was running a small fever today, which I seem to have napped away, but I'm going to be on guard over the next few days in case it's a sign of something worse coming. Never a fan of having a fever, and I hope it stays away. I don't want it back.
So it wasn't a very eventful day, mostly just a lot of resting and trying to not feel crappy, but at least I got a little extra sleep, so that's something.
August 2024 Reading
Sep. 1st, 2024 07:13 amThe Lost Souls of Benzaiten, by Kelly Murashige - After the trauma of her best friends wanting nothing to do with her anymore, Machi develops selective mutism and serious apathy and depression. After seeing therapist after therapist, she visits an little unknown shrine, makes an unexpected prayer, and surprisingly, the goddess Benzaiten actually answers, though in a way Machi didn't expect and mostly doesn't want. The book is a powerful exploration of grief and trauma and the ways it can affect us that look baffling from the outside, and also how sometimes small seemingly-inconsequential actions can change a person's life, for good or ill. This book resonated with me a lot, it had many echoes of some traumatic things I've experienced in the past, and after reading it, I needed a bit of a break. It was fantastic! It was an engaging story and written well and I loved it. But it also hit extremely close to home for me and I needed some time to process everything before I read anything else. Highly recommended, though. Go read it if you haven't yet!
I Want to Live, by Nina Lugovskaya - The translated diary of a teenager who lived during Stalin's reign in Russia, in the 1930s, before she and her family were arrested and exhiled to years of hard labour. While it was a fascinating look back at that time, and a piece of history that I didn't know much about, I have to admit that Nina herself was, well, pretty boring. I didn't find much to be interested in when it came to her stories of liking a boy but the next week thinking he was dull and beneath her and then the week after liking him again. Or her feuds with her older sisters, most of which seemed to be prompted by absolutely nothing and were rather incomprehensible to me. Maybe it's just been too long since I was a teenager, but I was far more interested in aspects of her life which were often only barely touched upon in the diary entries. I'm aware that some of this was due to the translation, and also the destruction and redaction of certain entries to keep the family safe, but still. It's an interesting look at a period of history I knew nothing about, but Nina herself just didn't appeal to me. And I feel rather bad saying that about an actual person who went through hell.
Among Others, by Jo Walton - The diary of a disabled teenager, written from 1979-1980, and how she experiences boarding school, a sci-fi book club, and saving the world from her insane witch of a mother with the aid of fairies and her love of fiction. No, seriously. This book is magical realism at its finest, and I adore it, so much so that this is a re-read. I can't count how many times I've already read it. It's a book I want to savour every time, reading slowly, but also one that I want to speed through because I want to see the next part, the next entry, the next book recommendation. The protagonist, Mori, has a typical teenager snobbishness about her, but also a good heart, and her voice is fantastically realistic. Fans of magical realism and historical fantasy will find a lot to love about Among Others. No review I could write can really do it justice, in my opinion.
I Want to Live, by Nina Lugovskaya - The translated diary of a teenager who lived during Stalin's reign in Russia, in the 1930s, before she and her family were arrested and exhiled to years of hard labour. While it was a fascinating look back at that time, and a piece of history that I didn't know much about, I have to admit that Nina herself was, well, pretty boring. I didn't find much to be interested in when it came to her stories of liking a boy but the next week thinking he was dull and beneath her and then the week after liking him again. Or her feuds with her older sisters, most of which seemed to be prompted by absolutely nothing and were rather incomprehensible to me. Maybe it's just been too long since I was a teenager, but I was far more interested in aspects of her life which were often only barely touched upon in the diary entries. I'm aware that some of this was due to the translation, and also the destruction and redaction of certain entries to keep the family safe, but still. It's an interesting look at a period of history I knew nothing about, but Nina herself just didn't appeal to me. And I feel rather bad saying that about an actual person who went through hell.
Among Others, by Jo Walton - The diary of a disabled teenager, written from 1979-1980, and how she experiences boarding school, a sci-fi book club, and saving the world from her insane witch of a mother with the aid of fairies and her love of fiction. No, seriously. This book is magical realism at its finest, and I adore it, so much so that this is a re-read. I can't count how many times I've already read it. It's a book I want to savour every time, reading slowly, but also one that I want to speed through because I want to see the next part, the next entry, the next book recommendation. The protagonist, Mori, has a typical teenager snobbishness about her, but also a good heart, and her voice is fantastically realistic. Fans of magical realism and historical fantasy will find a lot to love about Among Others. No review I could write can really do it justice, in my opinion.
Daily Update
Aug. 31st, 2024 09:00 amPain level - High
Sucked up all my courage and went grocery shopping today. There's a place I go where sometimes I can find really good deals, like half-priced meat that's actually still good quality. So I took $100 (the only money I have right now, so I might as well spend it on food) and stocked up on meatballs and salmon trimmings and a couple of steaks, and a few extra loaves of bread that went into the freezer so they'll stay good longer. It's getting harder and harder to buy decent groceries for prices that aren't outrageous, and I have to look hard and be very selective about what I buy, but I'm able to get by, even if some times can be tougher than others.
I spent most of the rest of the day reading, and also trying to not fall asleep. I've pushed myself well past my limits, I think, and have ignored the warning signs along the way. I need to take better care of myself. I still fall into the "healthy person" mindset, even though I'm not a healthy person. I have a chronic illness. I'm disabled. Just because most of my days are spent on a couch watching TV and embroidering doesn't mean I'm actually resting. Sitting up takes energy. Focusing on a pattern takes energy. Moving my arms and hands takes energy. And I might not feel the drain at first, but eventually it all creeps up on me and I get more and more signs that I should stop, but my mind tells me, "No, it's fine, it's a blip. You don't do anything that should tire you out, so you can just keep going."
My brain is a liar. I'm doing plenty that tires me out. It just wouldn't tired out a healthy person.
You'd think after being disabled for so long, I'd have figured this all out by now. But no. Dynamic disabilities are a real pain in the ass in that way.
Sucked up all my courage and went grocery shopping today. There's a place I go where sometimes I can find really good deals, like half-priced meat that's actually still good quality. So I took $100 (the only money I have right now, so I might as well spend it on food) and stocked up on meatballs and salmon trimmings and a couple of steaks, and a few extra loaves of bread that went into the freezer so they'll stay good longer. It's getting harder and harder to buy decent groceries for prices that aren't outrageous, and I have to look hard and be very selective about what I buy, but I'm able to get by, even if some times can be tougher than others.
I spent most of the rest of the day reading, and also trying to not fall asleep. I've pushed myself well past my limits, I think, and have ignored the warning signs along the way. I need to take better care of myself. I still fall into the "healthy person" mindset, even though I'm not a healthy person. I have a chronic illness. I'm disabled. Just because most of my days are spent on a couch watching TV and embroidering doesn't mean I'm actually resting. Sitting up takes energy. Focusing on a pattern takes energy. Moving my arms and hands takes energy. And I might not feel the drain at first, but eventually it all creeps up on me and I get more and more signs that I should stop, but my mind tells me, "No, it's fine, it's a blip. You don't do anything that should tire you out, so you can just keep going."
My brain is a liar. I'm doing plenty that tires me out. It just wouldn't tired out a healthy person.
You'd think after being disabled for so long, I'd have figured this all out by now. But no. Dynamic disabilities are a real pain in the ass in that way.
